Modification

Well, my last blog post was a hit. I guess problems with peoples personal lives are still things that illicit empathy, even on a two-bit blog written by an anti-social introvert like me. So I’ll give it another go.

I got some great feedback. The best words of wisdom I got were this: dating is annoying as shit. I’m not alone in that boat, everyone else isn’t having a glorious time seeking out partners. Sure, some people are just machines and can make a woman (or man) sing on every single stroke, are an iron man and have a master plan. But these people that are dating twice or thrice a weekend don’t seem that much more content or satisfied. They’re much better off than me, but that is hardly an achievement.

There is also the advice I got that is a cultural cliché at this point:

Be yourself.

I’m not interested in being myself!

One day I’ll look at the world again.

I’m not a huge fan of the version of myself that exists now. I like even less the version of me that existed a month ago, a week ago or yesterday. I do, however, have the potential to like the version of myself that exists somewhere in the future.

Every second of every day I do things.

• I wash to make myself cleaner
• I run to make myself fitter and healthier
• I do weights to make myself stronger
• I eat to give me satisfaction
• I do my work, despite how difficult and frustrating I find it, to make my life better
• I read to make myself smarter
• I sleep, perchance to dream
• I interact with people to gain experience
• I learn knowledge

Everything I do, I try to make myself a better person. Saying “be yourself” implies utter stagnation. I’m not interested in being myself. I’m not fond of this person I am right now that much at all.

But that’s not to say I don’t have fun. There are heaps of things I enjoy doing. Hell, even the awkward dates and meet ups I’ve been on over the past few months have been things I’d definitely call fun. The odd video game, reading, a good movie, a comedy show and even writing this are things I find refreshing and enjoyable.

The same applies to relationships or even friendships. I don’t want to offer anyone the current version of myself. I want to adapt. You teach me and I’ll teach you! I take on traits, ideas, behaviours and attributes that make me a better person. Going into a relationship ‘being yourself’ seems utterly pointless, a folly of maudlin. I’m not interested in anyone, no matter how great they are, that would want this current version of me. Because they’d have bad taste!

I want to be a better, different person and would like that any relationship make me strive to achieve this at every opportunity.

The most practical way to do this would be a process of descent with modification. Start with the current version of me, change it slightly, determine if it’s better and if it is keep the modification. These modifications would be primarily that of behaviour and attitude. Physical modifications like fitness and appearance are much easier to improve and don’t require the same degree of trial and error. The smaller the modification the less risk that is involved. The toughest part of this process isn’t the modification but the evaluation to see if what I’ve changed is an improvement in some way. It’d be great to have a team of experts observing me and writing weekly reports on the modifications done, but unfortunately all the reviewing must be done internally.

Now there is a big difference between improving myself and putting on an act to be someone I’m not. I do not want to construct a fantasy of an ideal person that I could never achieve. I do not want to adapt to someone, no matter how great they are, if it means I’d be putting on a poor imitation of what they want. Not only because it wouldn’t be fair, but also because I’m a terrible actor. Pretending to be something I’m not would just make me more stupid and awkward than I already am - a worse version of myself, evolving backwards. There is also no final goal or optimised version of me that I imagine. Each step of modification is blind, not predicting events in the future but just being better than before. Just going where the wind takes me.

I get the impression that other people don’t really think like this. I’ve spent most of my life struggling with social situations, so over thinking things has become almost a survival technique. Don’t even know if it’s a healthy thing to do.

Just like before, any feedback is appreciated. Leave a comment below, hit me up on Twitter or even email me – aaronights at gmail.