Insane

Did I ever tell you what the definition of insanity is? Insanity is doing the exact… same thing… over and over again and… expecting a different outcome.

Caution: Language may offend.

I have had the full time job of applying for IT related work for the past 10 weeks. Over that time I have:

• Crafted custom cover letters for each role, trying to reflect the tone and nature of the job listing.

• Overhauled my CV completely five times, along with many minor changes and some customisation depending on the role.

• Made several dozen phone calls to enquire on the status of an application.

I have had three in person interviews and two phone interviews out of a minimum of 53 applications. I say a minimum because there are definitely more than that – 53 is the number I get to by counting up the applications and automated responses in my inbox. There are handfuls done through web based application forms that don’t show up in my inbox.

I feel like I have spent two months hitting my head against a solid brick wall over and over again, with each hit being stronger than the last. It is insane.

A rather irritating aspect is the sheer lack of feedback I get from any application. Following each interview I follow up by asking why I wasn’t suitable for the role and how I could improve.

No cigar.

Any feedback is very minimal. I’m unsure if it is just because they don’t have the time to give any feedback, or potentially some legal liability issue that prevents them from elaborating much. The most common rejection is via a generic email with my name Mail Merged in.

I get advised to grasp onto hope and reject despair, or to never give up! But logically this must have a limit. My savings are nearly gone and I’ve had to move out from my tiny and damp condo in the city. Yep, I’m back to living in a small town full of elderly, retired people. There might not be any employment opportunities here, but the cost of living is an order of magnitude less.

My combination of qualifications, experience and personality must not be very desirable to employers or at the very least to any of the numerous places I have applied. I could get another qualification, but half of the roles I applied for stated that tertiary certificates or degrees are not required. I could get experience, but that would require actually finding somewhere to give it to me in the first place. So that leaves my personality.

I have always had difficulties in social situations. I find it hard to catch the vibe of what people are trying to express with body language and facial expressions. I awkwardly need to pay attention to every person in a group just to try and figure out what the hell is going on. That’s weird, and probably very off putting. Perhaps that somehow gets expressed when I submit a stack of written stuff in a job application. My stupid personality seeps through in everything I touch!

I don’t know. I’m grasping at straws to try and figure out some kind of reason why I’m in this situation.

I haven’t given up yet! But I don’t know where to go from here.