Wednesday, January 2, 2019

This won’t make sense, but I’m trying here.

I’m wanting to come up with a method for detailing how my mind ticks. It’s difficult, but to try and have a better grasp and understanding of… living, it seems like a good idea to write down and document a manual or reference.

My mental states are heavily compartmentalised. There are different states of me that I go into at different times. It’s not just one or the other, an ideal functioning state would probably be to have a bit of… me in many different compartments.

These compartments don’t really talk to each other, but are kept in check by some kind of governor. This is a little bit of me that is outside and above these mental compartments.

Using this higher mind bit lets me be aware that I can change. I can be aware of things that I will love at some point, but not now. I don’t have to encounter something for the first time in the correct mindset for it, I am capable of recognizing how I will respond to things when I’m in a different mind set.

It makes living and decision making better.

Like I said, these things are optimal when they’re in balance. But sometimes the balance goes way out. When one compartment starts to get a foothold, it can have a runaway cascade. A particular state of mind can propagate like a virus, taking resources away from every other compartment. Being aggressive to gain exclusivity of my weak little brain.

I don’t want to give the impression that this only happens with perceived negative things. Being sad or frustrated can consume like that, but just as much as being ecstatically happy or excited. Bouncing off the walls, dancing on Cloud 9! Like a drug that’s the high and not the pill.

Having a strong leaning towards happy or even sad every so often is a useful and normal part of functioning. But these things can overreach their boundaries. The governor or regulator itself gets consumed by one particular mindset. It steals the ability to think and comprehend outside of the currently dominating extreme way of thinking. No matter how much you try to reason with yourself, it’s impossible to grasp a perspective outside of the one currently overwhelming your emotional bucket capacity.

It can feel so, so good. When you’re just that ecstatic, that charged with being happy or excited you feel so strong and powerful. It’s electrifying.

At the same time, it can be the comforting and path of least resistance. Letting go of hope and giving in to unchecked despair. You might think that’d be an unpleasant thing to do, but it can be like taking a huge burden off your shoulders.

Being in either of these mindsets makes me an incredibly annoying person to be around, by the way. You probably think negative me would be just a depressing thing to be around, but wait until you see the version of me that just doesn’t shut up and randomly breaks out in song.

I don’t really know a tried and true method for getting back to the baseline. Crashing down isn’t fun. Most of the time you don’t really have the desire to even try.

Well, that’s something. This post will be full of errors and make little sense. I might try and clean it up later, or remove it even. It’s the afternoon on New Year’s Holiday! I should have better things to do.