It's a game of give and take

Saturday, June 26, 2021

My first day off in about three weeks? I slept a lot!

My plan was to clean out my old car and put the back seats back in it, but the weather didn’t play ball. Vacuuming in the rain isn’t a smart idea, and my garage is full of… stuff. Work stuff, rubbish stuff and my sister's stuff.

How are you, anyway? What's happening with everyone out there in the world? I've been on a rollercoaster with work, so I want to know what everyone else has been up to lately.

Continuing my journey of being a more secure person, I realize I need to put effort into being more assured and even happy on my own. I am on my own! I work and live by myself, and if I really think about it that's not a bad thing. I have so much agency over everything I do.

It is annoying sometimes, especially figuring out what to eat for dinner. Lately it's been a small bit of meat and a bag of salad, trying to stay away from carbs and high calorie options - I've got to trim down!

Back on topic, I cannot let myself feel empty or lacking because I'm single or not leading a lively social life. Those things can be really comforting and beneficial things, but I'm going to be bad at them if I feel like I have a desperate need for them just to be happy.

My history proves that. My insecure nature made me demanding and needy, and this frustrated the people I cared about and pushed them away. I remember saying how I felt the stuff I did was unappreciated, but that's… dumb. Don't do nice stuff for cool people to get affection and appreciation, do it because it's a nice thing to do.

Just giving myself permission to be happy and self assured on my own has been a revelation. Since my relationship crashed and burned I was trying to find something to fill that gap in my life. But now? I don't need that. If that stuff comes my way, great! It could be something amazing. It's just not something I need, but I do know if it comes my way I'll be in a better headspace to make it work.

You’re a smart man, Phil Collins. But I have to disagree with you on some points.