"Are you doing ok?"
"No."
"Oh, okay."
That's probably what any realistic conversation with me will be like right now.
Last level 4 lockdown I had at least 50 hours of work coming in each week, I had my first relationship trucking along still in the happy phase and I went for a run most days. Yeah, the lockdown was frustrating, but it seemed much more… novel. I rode those 4 weeks almost on an adrenaline high! It was neat to be out there in a strange world.
This lockdown sucks. I barely have any work coming in, I feel defeated not just in my most recent relationship but… all areas related to that, and I just can't summon the drive to do much. I should run more and eat much better, I have gotten a bit fat. It's difficult to care.
I'm realizing just how hard it is for me to integrate with other people.
Having 3 additional humans and 3 pets in my house is almost as much of a trial as my relationship falling apart. I can't handle it as much as I thought I would. It's an inescapable tirade of sounds and movements. I know I wasn't the happiest version of me lately, but now I'm that on top of… not being able to think. I'm sure it'd be much, much more tolerable if they or even if I could go out and do… stuff, but it's not even an option now.
It's not on them. My sister, her husband and my nephew are as good as anyone could expect for housemates, but I just can't shake the feeling of being an inconvenient guest in this place. I doubt I'll suddenly spring back and be a happy chap when this is over - I'm very aware that my own headspace is the biggest contributing factor to how I'm feeling right now, not the people around me.
I can't relax. I struggle to poop properly, and I can't even go to a public toilet for this. They're all closed!
I miss work. Right now I'd work long and exhausting 14 hour days for free. Getting out there and fixing stuff is an incredibly satisfying thing! My job is what I've immersed myself in when I needed to get buy. I got to an extremely dark and scary place a few months ago, and I depended on my job to push me along. I have no doubt I'd be in a very, very different place if I didn't have the pride and drive in my work to keep me ticking along. Wish I had it now.
I have 23 jobs in my queue right now that I would absolutely love to get out there and complete, but lockdown rules demand only priority one urgent jobs can be attended.
Can I live out of my car for a few days, is that… allowed? It'd certainly avoid what happened last night. I was heading to bed and was met with a surprise.
Censored. I talk shit here, I don't show photos of it.
Someone had left a present, right there where I was about to snooze. Still don't know if the gift was left by a cat, a dog or a person. I wouldn't put it past my sister to do this, she finds weird stuff funny.
I made a cake, too. Poo Dog gets none.
If anyone wants to know, here are the top 5 TV shows of lockdown:
- Below Deck Mediterranean - Don't know what this is really, a documentary set on a boat? It's addictive, apparently.
- Westside - A New Zealand original, set in the 80s? I'm not sure, but I approve of the hair styles.
- Stargate SG-1 - Finally, a show worth watching. A 15 foot high metal ring takes you to other planets!
- The Originals - French vampires? Yes, I'll go with that.
- Ghost Whisperer - Someone that can talk to the dead, but only very quietly? I think it's what Ghostbusters set in a strict library would be like.
Oh, another thing. I am aware that writing and posting like this is an incredibly selfish thing to do. I’m putting me and my perspective on me out there, without any consideration of anyone else. I’m sorry. I feel I need this release now. To make up for it, please let me help you. Need anything? Want to also watch these hot lockdown shows too? Drop me a line and I’ll make magic happen.